I Did It!!!!

I mean sort of……I quit drinking for 31 days!!  It wasn’t easy. I really tried to be mindful of when I wanted a drink and definitely noticed it was when I was mad or stressed.  So impressed I did it, just not sure where to go from here.  I did start drinking again a week ago and have been doing ok….a couple glasses of wine  every other night or so.   I am really just figuring out things as I go.  I think coming up with some options for managing my stress will help.  I am going to a tea seminar in a few weeks!! Ultimately I would just like to be a person who can drink moderately, I’m just not sure I can do that. …..  I have a big party at a friends this weekend, the last time she had a party I got so drunk I left without saying goodbye   (Or Happy Birthday) to anyone. I had to call the next day and apologize. I remember I kept thinking that I hoped I wasn’t too obnoxious at the party…….I’m sure I was ….. I am going to try attending this one and not drink.  Good luck to me!

Day 24

Well, today is day 24. I survived a few social outings and a 3 day weekend! Whoo hoo for me. I have been feeling good but starting to want a glass of wine…….just one.  I wished I believed myself but I don’t. Not that I wouldn’t start with just one.  I bet I could go a few weeks with just a glass or two a couple times a week.  That’s about it……

Tonight I asked my husband if he thought I seemed less angry/moody.  He said no :(.  He said the only thing that bothered him when I was drinking was that I would get angry. I told him I had really gotten to be an angry drunk.  Time to reevaluate things.  I was hoping for some validation, that he would think I looked better, acted better, something!   I definitely have more energy and feel more present with my kids.  I am still trying to figure out where to go from here. ……and I keep reading…..

 

 

Sober Birthday

Hubs is on his 4th glass of wine (on a Manday) and today is day 15 for me. Quiet birthday with some very sweet cards made by my babies.  Feeling pretty reflective today, about my relationship with wine and just in general.  Thinking of some of my wine drinking stories…..

“Thanks a lot for last night” said the text from Lori. “What do you mean” I texted. I remember the feeling I got when I sent the text.  I truly did not know what she meant.  I held my breath…….”my sister was glad to see you last night (only the second time we’d seen each other) but then she was more than upset that you told her how horrible of a mom we had and that my mom probably never really wanted to have kids in the first place” ” my sister replayed your whole conversation over a family dinner the next day”.  Oh….my……God.  What the hell was she talking about?? Did I say that???? Why??  I certainly didn’t feel that way……….why would I do that??  I made up some excuse about not eating all day and that I was talking about my own mom (also not true).  Our friendship never truly recovered….and this was 6 months ago.  I drove home that night.

I am beginning to realize I may never be able to drink again, and the thought makes me uncomfortable. Didn’t I enjoy drinking wine not so long ago?  I mean, I think I did. The bad stories are flooding my mind (and there are plenty).  Still haven’t told friends or family.  Hangin in there…..

Sober Vacation

Well, it’s day 13. The family and I are on a weekend holiday and I am sober……..for the first time.  After a longer than anticipated 3.5 hour drive we arrived late Fri afternoon. My immediate thought was I NEED a drink NOW. Kids were awful, I was starving, and really cranky. Stubbornness was the only thing that kept me from drinking. My mind is set on my 30 day goal. It’s really nice not feeling sluggish, and feeling more present with my kids. It’s hard though, my kids argue, whine and pick on each other A LOT.  I am becoming more and more aware of how wine became an escape rather than something I enjoyed. Not sure exactly when this happened but it did. I am conscious now of when I want a drink. It’s pretty much always when I am stressed or annoyed.

The Sober Revolution has been my go to support system. Not sure where I am headed in regards to drinking. I turn 45 on Monday.  Am feeling better than ever. Sober vacation was actually nice, knowing I was NOT going to drink felt empowering.  I have begun thinking about when I will drink again, and more importantly why. Sober birthday is next……

10 Days!………

So today is day 10 for me. I feel so much better and am looking better as well.  Kids  started school this week and hubs has been gone so I have been solo.  It’s been so much easier sans wine.  I have been  trying different sparkling waters, and am going to try tea next.

I was reflecting tonight about my alcohol free days and how much better I am feeling and I thought, “wow, only 20 more days to go”.  Wait……..what???, if I am feeling so much better why am I looking forward to 30 days sober so I can drink again? I truly don’t know the answer.  We are going on a weekend getaway this weekend (whoo hoo) and I really want to have my first alcohol free holiday! Wish me luck…..

I guess I do miss the wine, but not how I feel afterwards…..or how I act after too many glasses.  I don’t miss the feeling of not having control over how much I drink.  Feeling confused tonight….

Wine is not the boss of me……..or is it??

Because at this point I am beginning to wonder. After a few years of mulling over whether I am in control of my wine habit or not, I am thinking maybe I am not.  I go from drinking a couple glasses of wine every night, to not drinking during the week ( after which I binge drink all weekend).  What I haven’t tried to do is quit completely.  Today is day 2 for me……and I am pretty scared.  Not afraid for today, but for my beloved Friday at 5.  What will I do on Friday?? Isn’t the whole point of Friday to celebrate the end of the week?  And, of course, what’s a celebration without wine??  Between last Friday thru Sunday I drank at least 15 glasses of wine. I would love to say that was a rare weekend, but it wasn’t.  Those types of weekends are getting more and more common.  My goal is to quit drinking for thirty days and really evaluate myself and my relationship with wine…..how did I get here??